Sledding into the oblivion

Suburbia: The Slow Death
You know, I've heard about a billion times how awful suburbia is. I've driven through the neighborhoods and delivered pizza and everything to it. I've read other people's descriptions and gathered much from them.

Still.

Everything I somewhat enjoy about city life is gone out here. There is no individuality in the home style, the home colors, the yards... They are close together. The yards aren't big enough (on my side - behind me, that section of suburbia has large enough yards). The home designs are uninspired. In my part, the roofs are all the same goddamn color on every single house. Even the grass is wrong. It's the bermuda whatever type of weed like grass imitation that isn't even the right color green. It doesn't even grow.

Stasis. This place is a photograph of itself by an amateur artists trying to capture the American dream.

Well, it sucks.

It's unimaginable to me to think that people want to live here and will pay at least $140k to do so. Behind me the suburban houses cost almost $300k. Those ones even come with a choice of roof colors (black or grey). Hell, the facades even have several variations even though there are probably only 6 home plans!

The homes are big if that's what you're into. Full of bad layouts, but with a 12 foot ceiling in the living room! They are also well-insulated. Actually come to think of that, I want to vandalize one of the advertising signs in the neighborhood and write that for the irony.

The really scary thing is that you never see anyone outside (with the exception of the 4th of July, thank God). It's like there are no people living in the houses. They sit and cars come and go. But the homes never change and there is no one to talk to. But the gardens are very clean and nicely lined and don't extend beyond 6 feet of the house! There are no lights on when the sun goes down - indoor or out.

I walk the dog up and down the streets and they are abandoned. If that's not bad, there are also empty lots that are poorly maintained and filled with construction evidence, like piles of dirt and stone. Many of the lots are all red clay desert only inhabited by the Killderes. There are no trees that have any real sign of growth on them.

This great land of Suburbia is so depressing to me. There are no trails to walk, nor interesting scenery. There are no stores to walk to unless you plan on walking more than a mile along semi-busy two lane roads with no sidewalks. I would be weary riding a bike down those roads. The walkability score is 8 compared to 92 at my place in Valpo.

I can't even write anymore about it because I'm into loathing mode about suburbs. The short version of what else I want to write is that this place has no ground in reality except in an ultra rich society because it is so entirely impractical. It's not the place for me at ALL and I would never purchase a home like this one. If I wanted to drive everywhere, I'd live out in the country to at least have privacy.

Privacy and expression are the only luxuries left.

The Eulogy of Lynn Kurfess
For my family:

I only knew Lynn for the later part of her life, but the Lynn Kurfess that I know was no hero. She was not someone to cannonize or even be emulated. But she was our sister, and our daughter, and family.

I remember when my mom broke her shoulder and baby Stephanie was in her cast, how quickly Lynn was out to
Xenia to help us taking care of the house as well as Nataie and myself. She might have been a little harsh on us, but that was Lynn and that's how I want to remember her. A helper, and my aunt.

She and grandpa were always the ones that wanted to talk to me about the weather, and she really helped encourage me to get into it. Would I be where I am5 without her?

I remember stopping by her house when we were on the family 'West' trip. I didn't know it at the time, but she was already drunk in the early evening. The next day was the fourth of july and we went white water rafting with her. I don't think I ever saw her in such good spirits as that day. We've got a great picture to caputure it. I don't think we had seen her like that in years. It was wonderful.

Make no mistake, her death is a long, slow tragedy. We gather here to mourn her today, but maybe we could have gathered together at some point to save her.

We all saw the cries for help. Even as much as much as you all tried to shield me from it, I heard stories, and even saw it once or twice with my own eyes. I'm not here to scold, because I didn't do anything worthwhile either. We all whispered about it and put it off. She might still have succumbed to the same end, but there would not be the dark cloud that hangs over our heads.

We love you Lynn, because you are family. You're one of us out in the cruel world and I think a lot of us looking back would have done anything to avert this untimely circumstance and have you back.

Please, my family, be willing to stand up for each other, even if it might mean standing up TO each other.
The Lord bless us and keep us and make his face to shine upon us. Take care of our sister. Amen.

The Ocean
Donna is slowly drifting away from me. She's trying to get away because she knows that she'll have to leave me behind after summer ends. I can't blame her so much, as it happens quite often. We prepare for the eventuality that something is going to happen, instead of enjoying it for what it is.

I'm not saying foresake the future should be our motto. In my circumstance, let the future come. We will deal with it when it needs dealt with. This isn't a dire and pressing issue, this going to college an hour away.

I told her as much tonight and I think it got through to her, but her attitude has slipped a little bit. You know, that "You've lost that lovin' feeling'" kind of thing. At least that's how the night ended. But she was tired as her sleep schedule is fucked up again. Who knows?

Tomorrow is another day and I'll be excited to call her again. Maybe I'll by trying to recapture her fun spirit and make her see again. Maybe she'll just blow me off. We'll see what her maturity level dictates. *Sigh*

---------------------------------------------

As I was lying awake next to her (because she wanted to sleep and there is no way in hell I can sleep at 9pm) I thought of the ocean. It's unimaginably large, but containing many tiny water molecules. Waves skim the surface and currents steer the deep. Most of the molecules sway with the current and literally spin in circles.

When they spin in line, waves are created - a sort of momentum from many circles coordinated upon one another. Those waves propigate but they do not carry the particles themselves.

Larger forces drive the main currents. Forces that are may orders of magnitude greater than that single particle. But the particle moves in this major force with those particles that are nearby. Some float by and many remain at hand.

A few are washed ashore or evaporated from time to time and relocated by these processes.

The ocean itself remains unchanged. It is and ever shall be. The cycles repeat themselves billions of times a day and nothing can and nothing will change that. Great movements will push their way through but thethe ocean always fills all void spaces and pushes on.

Every particle thinks that it changes the world and in that it affects the water nearby, it certainly does. Maybe one wave that it's a part of makes it around the world and back even.

For them to think that they don't try to influence those around them first is foolish. For them to think that their wave will never dampen is folly as well.

If we set out to make a difference, we should consider that those that we make the msot difference to are close at hand already. Often times, we have been neglectful of them or taken their proximity for granted.

I had the priviledge of saving a friend's life by being there for him and willing to help him in his time of need. I didn't even realize what a difference I was making. I just wanted to do right by him. Treat others as you would like to be treated.

There are other examples of failures, like Lynn who was crying for help and the family found no solution. How hard would it have been to send me out there to live with her for a year to get her back into shape after and intervention? She's dead and we all mourn and tell sweet little lies that there is nothing we could have done. But we could have used our family momentum to help...

Do the little things and help those around you and you may find bigger solutions. If you set out to save the world, you will become tired and embittered, because it will never change entirely no matter how large your kingdom.

The ocean always stays the same.

The exciting page
-The Journey-

This past week began how many wonderful weeks have in times long since passed, with a hike.

I ventured out to Rainbow Mountain out in Madison and took my car to the top where to start my hike. Over the rocks and up the trees I moved. I was reminded very much of home.

There were storms in the area and I had seen the forecast before I left, the thunder projected to arrive an hour after I started. Jon called me on his way back to Indiana and say the same.

I should have looked at the maps to find my starting point, but I didn't. I was all turned around before it started pouring out, and by the time of full gale, I had no idea where I was. After giving up on being able to find my way back in the woods, I hike down to the nearest neighborhood - another neuveux riche sort of area with gaudy homes that all look like one another.

I walked through the streets like a deserting warrior might stalk through the empty corridors of an abandoned village after a siege. I was not wearing anything to identify myself as one of them.

"But how would you defend these houses in such a time? The open fields surrounding them leave opportunity to pick off offenders, but even a high post like that doesn't need to be sacked before it is destroyed."

I trudged slowly around the ridge, cutting through yards until I made my way back on to the correct maze of streets to find my car. I got in completely soaked and drove home tired and happy.

-The Woman-

The next day I met Donna for the first time at the botanical gardens. She had an interesting profile online and I sent her as much with a proclamation that she was either crazy or interesting. She responded and we set up to meet after she came off as more interesting than crazy after a few conversations.

I'm not going to go into the personal details of it, but she is something else and I have difficulty trying to describe it. She is both veiled and open. She is both intellectual and simple. I can't put my finger on her mind directly and she is intriguing. She's quite sex-driven and yet has a very personal touch to it. She's different in an incredible way.

We've been on 4 dates/evenings and it feels like so much longer.

There is still so much to learn about her.

Even though we've spent so much time being animals, we've also taken time to discuss what needs to be discussed as well as learning about one another.

My intuition tells me that we're going to be very good for one another for a good amount of time.

-The Job-

The job really got roaring this week and I sold my first roof on my own and I sold halvsies on about 3 or 4 others. That's a pretty damn good amount of money, and it's going to keep rolling here this week. If I make money like I made this week for the next month, I will be out of all of my debt except student loans. Don't forget that we're in the middle of the Great Depression.

I have been ignoring my bills from back home. That may end up being a complication, but I'm getting the money to pay them off right now, so hopefully it doesn't become too crazy up there. I don't really have that much to lose that I can't make back here in a few weeks.

I do miss my political allies (which also count as friends) and I want to go up and visit sometime next month. I also miss seeing family and would like to visit them as well. Who knows how that will happen?

Oh, and I promised Shelly that I would go with her to a wedding of a couple of her friends in June sometime. D'oh - I'm not looking forward to that.

This has been one of the best weeks ever.

The Rebel Fantasy
Last night, I could not fall asleep at all. Value Place's beds aren't comfortable, and sleep just didn't feel like the right thing. I tossed and turned until around 4am. When I got to sleep, my dream went something like this.

Part 1

I was on a wooden raft in shallow water that was higher in the center, with logs going back about 25 feet. I was in the front and just slightly down to the right side watching a sort of propaganda movie about all of those who had once wanted to conquer the world as petty dictators. There were old kings and rulers and der Fuhrer and all kinds. Then the film talked about how the new era had begun so many years back and that was no longer a concern. After all, "Can you imagine who would think they could control the world today?" My mind thought 'Kissinger' immediately, but someone directly behind me started shouting names of prominent government officials with the US and other foreign powers. I knew the names as well and turned to see who would have the audacity to say them aloud.

Behind me was a girl my age with dark brown hair put up in a quick bun. She had a small black tattoo that looked like a thin 'S' on the side of her neck, almost covered by her hair. After she spoke 6 or so names in angry response to the movie, she stopped and reached to sit herself up and leave in disgust, until I started responding with a list of names of my own. This became a contest of going back and forth with new names. Everyone else had gotten up and was looking at us with horror as we kept going on for a minute. When we stopped, they turned to quickly file off the raft through the door and take the dock somewhere else in a hurry.

We kept looking at one another. She was intense and incredibly beautiful. I crawled closer and she leaned back on the logs with her shirt sliding up over her belly showing where someone had drawn a butterfly just above her hips. I crawled on top of her and she met me with a passionate kiss. I caressed her and she pulled on my shirt to leverage herself to my mouth. I slid off her striped pants and she undid mine and instead of staying on the slanted raft, we slipped back between the wall and the side of the raft in the shallow water and made love while staring into each others eyes.

Part 2

There was an uprising in the water kingdom and the serfs were marching up the stone arch bridge to the palace to demand a hearing from the king who was draped in a transparent American flag cloak. I marched, arm around the girl from above, with a crowd that was not a part of these serfs, but who had some legitimate concerns over how justice was being served to the small people in the community. We were escorted by the king's pikemen. People watched from the windows of the old stone buildings to see what would come of it.

The whole of our legion came to the stop at the top of the bridge, before the palace entrance where the king awaited with his guards. When it stopped, it fell silent. My girl and I were in the front, on the right side. When we looked left, we could see the castle decked in British and American flags. When we looked right, we saw the waterway far below and the steel structures that held up so many of the buildings.

A single serf carried the petition forward, and so as more didn't approach the king, the pikemen lowered their pikes in front of the crowd. The king read disapprovingly and directed for the incarceration of the serf, that he should dare stand up to the crown.

No guard moved and the serf who had humbly given the petition stood up straight. He had long hair and wore simple white clothes with a leather belt. The king drew his sword and the serf grabbed the handle and turned it towards the king and thrusted. The onlookers gasped and the king fell, his transparent flag cloak covering him. The crown fell at his feet. The sword still in his hand, the serf picked up the crown to examine it. He stared at it's shine and threw it off the bridge into the water. Cheers exploded.

Part 3

I was back at a shallow rounded pool swimmingly lazily with my girl and talking of interesting things to whoever stopped by. Her brother and sister were there. This pool was in the only area that had solid ground. Everything else you could see the steel beams rising out of the water, with exposed superstructure. There were tons of walkways and platforms underneath it. I even watched a baseball game at one point with my girl. We didn't say a whole lot, but it was always meaningful. At any point, we were looking for the next time to have sex. We made love several more times in my dream.

There was a lot more about baseball that I can't remember.

Part 4

At the end of my dream, I had a flashback to what if things had gone a different way. I was in the castle at the king was out to receive the petition. I was on a red carpeted platform with a longstick, showing how to knock away other's weapons and then bumping them off to the padding below. We finished up the lesson and I went to the window to see what happened, moving the transparent british flag curtain from my view.

When the king dismissed the petition and ordered the serf detained for making such a demand to his authority, the guards acquiesced. The king pronounced that any of those who remained would be similarly punished. His guards moved in towards the front of the crowd, a mad riot ensued. Pikes and swords came out and the king declared that he would not let his country be overrun by those who could hardly take care of themselves. They must be taught a lesson. The faces looking from the windows cheered. Those who were not executed by guards and pikemen were pushed from the bridge to the waters far below. I tore out a side entrance to find my girl. I woke up from that flashback.

I asked her brother where my girl was and he pointed that she was out by the pool with her sister. I went to lay on her lap and I awoke.

The Kids Are Alright
The kids are alright, and hopefully they will stay that way. It's uncertain though.

Mason and Stormi are my current neighbors, at ages 10 and 7 respectively. They were born in Oklahoma and came to Baton Rouge with their parents a couple of years ago so that Stormi's dad (not Mason's - he's out of the picture) could be promoted to the Assistant Manager of one of the local Wal-Marts here. He does alright for himself.

Today I raced Stormi on foot while she rode her bicycle. She just barely beat me out today. I bear her yesterday at the same race.

Today I played basketball with Mason on the short hoop that's set up in the alley. It's not real basketball, but a fun version for being 10. He stole the ball from me and got the winning point.

All isn't well at the house, though, and it starts with the same people it always starts with when kids are involved.

Stormi's dad works a lot, but he also has some recreation. He goes in at 9am and finishes up work at 6, but he hangs out with one of his friends at the tattoo parlor in the evenings until late. When he's with the kids, he is quiet but responsible. He keeps an eye out for them. The kids enjoy being around him, but he isn't around a whole lot between work and the tattoo parlor.

Their mom, well, she doesn't work a whole lot. She has a job at a different Wal-Mart (for the past two weeks!) after being unemployed for the past 6 months. She's already called off twice. It won't last. While it's good that she is around all the time, her kids don't get much in the way of attention from her. She is the complex gossip, and she has to go over and talk to each person for a couple of hours every day. Oh yeah, and she talks on the phone just as much. And when she is doing neither of these things, she is watching dvds.

Oh, the dvds...

So the other week, the lesbians who would be her best friends in the complex, since she spends about half the days talking to them, decided to do her a favor. They wanted to clean her apartment while the family was back in Oklahoma visiting relatives. When they went in there, they could hardly believe what they saw. The place was absolutely full of junk. Stupid shit like toys that had never been played with or magazines or hidden in one of the rooms was a brand new bicycle. The place was a disaster area. There was dogshit everywhere in it (they have two chihuahuas). The cleaning out became a neighbor project with all of us.

Stormi's mattress had just a small area for her to be able to sleep left on it because of junk. Mason's was covered in dog excrement. We threw his mattress out because it couldn't be saved and we set him up a couple of air mattresses for the short term from our place. We through out countless bags of trash and broken toys dirty laundry and useless crap (sushi serving plates, anyone?).

And suddenly, two kids that had been acting up terribly in the past weeks had become a lot calmer and less on edge. Gosh, what a surprise.

But there are still so many problems. I don't think they have ever had a real sit-down dinner. It's all tv or takeout meals. After school, they only get junk, if they get anything at all. They always want food from us, and we give them some fruit. Their mother's response to all of their problems is to get mad at them and threaten violence (she's too lazy to ever make good on it). Dad makes them go inside, if he's home. The kids have the impression that it's cool to be in a gang. After all, their parents were in one and they don't say anything bad about it.

Oh, and the dvd collection - it's about 400 movies and growing quickly. They have a shitty car, their son doesn't sleep on a real bed, the kids don't get much in the way of meals, but they buy several dvds a week. Every stupid valu-shopper that mom gets, she circles all the movies she doesn't have while sitting outside smoking and talking to one of her friends, and she sends Stormi in to double check if she has each movie.

Mom wonders why the kids are struggling in school. I don't know if dad does. At 7 years old, Stormi is still in kindergarten. Mason gets in trouble all the time for fighting and calling kids names.

I doubt either parents knows what the kids are even studying because that's not a conversation they have. It's sad.

I'm not going to be here past tomorrow, but I hope that we've helped the kids out and I hope they grow up well. They need a mentor. If I were sticking around, I would try to be one...

This isn't happy ending.

Reading Myself
I was rereading myself the other day, and especially the last post and its an interesting rant and rave. It definitely shows a lot of distrust of what I don't know and skepticism of what I'm told.

I guess I just don't trust anyone who I couldn't punch without them sending me to jail. That's a weird measure of trust, for sure, but let's consider it for a second. It measures the people who would give you the benefit of the doubt in a bad situation - even if you were wrong. They might be pissed off at you, but they would listen to your reason (after hitting you back a few times).

And a lot of these people know that I'm not exactly violent and it would take their doing something serious to put me in that situation. They might hate me for it, but sometimes we all need a good punch in the face or kick in the ass. Trust me, I do too from time to time.

I love idea integration across different planes - playing with cause and effect. It's not a perfect system, figuring out what would cause what. Like a punch in the face and trust of friends. It doesn't seem to make sense at a glance and yet, we can find a causation of why this trust might be justified.

Order in chaos: if the world doesn't make sense, check your premises.

Everything must make sense.

I can guide a missile by satellite
Look at me, look at me, hands in the air like it's good to be alive!

I feel so ready to do something incredible. Something bigger than selling roofs or taking back local politics in Valparaiso. I wish I were in one place so that I could build a community. Education comes first.

I've been working on designing myself an incredible home in my spare time. The glass juts out of the hillside and points towards the sky.

I'm really starting to see the strings that control the system. I see power and who has it and who doesn't. Money is not power although it certainly acts like it. If you think it is, then it will always hold a power over you. Influence is the real power. I have no money in Valparaiso, and yet I have a strong influence on a piece of the community. Same with Jon.

We keep chasing money because we want to retire and do nothing. Doing is the only thing that makes us who we are and we lose ourselves by not doing. Retirement is the number one killer of retirees. Do something you love.

I see two ways that someone can make huge profits: Make something new, difficult, or incredible. Or, they use force to get a leg up. To force others to make something and take it from them is wasteful, but easy. Making something new and incredible is extraordinarily difficult and it drives humans on to the next level. Which of these is good and which of these is evil?

I see how those in power control you by media propaganda. Stories are changed and spun and yet we have about 5 major media outlets in the country. Put one story on all of them and you have control. Those networks are General Electric, Viacom, News Corp, Disney, and the Associated Press. Infiltrate any two of them and you've infiltrated all of them. Stories contrary to their messages disappear. If you can feel the pulse of them, then you can figure out what is being dictated to you.

Stop watching the news and the television and you'll find yourself MORE informed about the world.

I can see that you are ok with power being held over you by others. It may take many people to consolidate and consent to the power, but only one of them to bring it against you and crush you. You've known people in your live who were vindictive to the point of mania. Would you even chance one of them controlling an aspect of your life? The people who long most for power are those who long most to abuse it and bring a swift end to their enemies. An enemy of power is whoever those in power say it is if you are following them.

I can see that I've been told that there are 2 types of people in the world. I was schooled to believe this. The two types of people in the world are leaders and followers. Leaders make decisions and followers follow them. This is a LIE. Make up your own mind. That is the best alternative to being one of these. You do not know what is best for everyone and they do not know what is best for you.

When someone tells you that you only have 2 choices, this is a logical fallacy usually designed to justify you making a poor decision. The world is not black and white. There are infinite choices out there. Most of these choices are not good ones but the game of life is designed to be flexible - that's why I can only play a game for so long until I understand how it works. Then it's time to change the rules and start over again. Most people aren't wired this way.

Many of you in the world see all of this and still try to keep Sauron's Ring of Power instead of destroying it. Even if one person in world held it benevolently, they would be taken apart by the system in place. No one should have that kind of power: not them, not you, and not me.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

You follow stings of puppets up to see the puppetmaster, so who is in control? Is it you or is it them?

A dream in Baton Rouge
Last night I dreamed that I was a part of a military training around a large complex, wearing a black uniform. I remember sneaking around on a roof with a large assault rifle practicing targeting. Then I ran the same course with someone out ahead of me and the new purpose was tracking them. There was snow on the roof and I was not cold.

During one of my breaks, I got to go inside of the building and it was a cross between a factory and a school. It was a large warehouse with specialized machinery and large windows high up. There were young adults running around everywhere, most of them sort of dressed up.

I found Jessica out there (wonder how she's doing?) on the factory floor with a clipboard in a black pantsuit making notes. We talked a little while and then something that was thrown from behind me slid by me on the floor about 15 feet in front of me, and it was ringing softly. It was strapped with explosives.

Someone disappeared behind me and another man wearing my uniform ran up and grabbed it to examine it and disarm it. The bomb had failed to explode. The code was in it. Others gathered around.

Jessica and I turned and walked the other direction in relief and she pulled out the phone and dialed the same code that was already in there. There was an explosion behind us.

The building was evacuated and I ran outside with my squad leader and Jessica disappeared. I put on a flak jacket and was directed to grab my rifle and helmet and do the second wave of building search behind the first that had already gone in. The only hat I could find was my outback hat and someone had to toss me their helmet.

I ran in with orders to shoot anyone uncooperative. Every room that I entered, I was startled by teens as I entered and instead of shooting in surprise, I yelled 'bang'.

I woke up.

The Journey South.
I've flown from Valparaiso to the land of the unknown - the South. It sounds sexy for sure, but it's where there is work for me and here I sit. In fact, things don't look so terrible around here as they did up North. Unemployment isn't anything like up there for sure.

This is nothing I ever really planned on, but I'm having fun with it. What an experience this is going to end up as. New people, new environment, new job, and new responsibilities. I guess that goes with the new president, 'new economy', new unemployment figures, and new bailouts.

I'm too tired to write anything long but I'm going to try to write something meaningful.

Down here in Baton Rouge, the local roofing company got into the Bulgarian community through selling a few of them good roofs and good service. We were at a gentleman's house today talking about what was wrong with communities and he says that there is no community restaurant in the middle of the neighborhood - somewhere that everyone goes to sit at when there isn't anything to do. He doesn't know his neighbors and they have never bothered to meet. We did his estimate and then drank a couple of beers with him and talked for a couple hours. We're part of the community.

Angola comes next.

Athens forever?
So I talked to my parents on separate occasions in the last couple of days and I learned that they aren't sure if they want to live in Athens forever. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but that caught me off-guard. Not that recently ago, I started thinking of Athens as the place that I identify with most. I came of age there. I got in trouble there. I made my best friends in Athens. It doesn't have much for me these days, but that's a sad commentary on the city, not my family or friends.

I guess it doesn't have much to offer my dad, either. He wants to go back to work as a police chief or an emergency response manager and he really should be able to. All the places around there just have excessive requirements for them, like master's degrees. Seriously, to be a police chief you need a master's degree???? You've got to be kidding me.

Take a look at my dad. He grew up in the school of hard knocks. He's got certifications from the Southern Police Institute. He's been an accident reconstructionist. HE'S FUCKING INTELLIGENT if you take a goddamn minute to talk to him. He went back to get a bachelor's degree AFTER he retired. He worked for the Highway Patrol for 29 years. There ought to be a job for him.

But that's the sad part about Athens...there are no jobs for anyone, and my dad isn't particularly happy with it and he wants a fresh start.

I can't blame him, because here I am in the same situation. No local jobs in weather. I'm looking forward to getting out of here. Not that I don't like it, but I want a new start. I guess I think of my parents as someone special who don't change. I've only started to think about this perspective a bit differently of recent when considering some of my readings.

I sort of see them as almost stoic figures in my life, even though I should know better. Of course their fallible, but not in my eyes. It doesn't really bother me if they move - it's their decision. It's just something I hadn't considered until I talked to them. And I know my mom doesn't really want to leave. She's got a great social network and a non-stressful job. She's pretty happy - and happier than I've seen her. She's got her plays and her friends and the kids friends and the dogs. It's a good situation for her.

I don't really know what will happen.

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As for my other story tonight, I got to talk to the same cop twice.

Actually the first time I didn't really talk to him, but he stopped my friend Shawn for having a burned out license plate light that he couldn't read. He was pretty aggressive when he came up, asking for everyone's ID's immediately, which was over the top for the kind of stop that it was. As two other cars pulled up, he basically told us that we were being resistant by Shawn questioning him and he had Shawn get out of the car to be searched. Shawn's dad was in the passenger seat and he was pretty upset about that.

There were four cops around the car and three cruisers and they kept asking where we were going and asking Shawn if there were any weapons in the car. Then drugs. Then he was asking Shawn why he had to be so resistant and Shawn just kept saying all he was doing was asking questions and he was complying. Gees. It was like they were all trying to come up with an excuse to arrest him.

I've got to say that I've got a lot of respect for police officers, but this was WAAAAAAAAY too much. After about 15 to 20 minutes, we got our IDs back and Shawn got a warning for the license plate light being out. We drove up one block and then Shawn dropped me off at my place.

As for me, I'd drank too much coffee tonight and so when I tried to go to sleep the first time, I couldn't do it, so I decided to take a walk. I just walked down Lincolnway to the circle and back. I get down to around the Smoke Shop or so and a Sheriff's car goes by, and he puts on the brakes and turns around. I know what's coming and he pulls in the driveway next to me and asks what's up.

Am I the guy that was in the car earlier? Yep, that's me.

Who were those guys? Friends of mine.

What am I doing out? Walking.

Why? I drank too much caffiene and I can't sleep.

Don't you think it's suspicious to be out walking at 2am? No, not really...I mean I see where you're coming from, but I walk at 2am all the time.

Where are you coming from? Home.

Where are you going? Just walking.

Where do you live? Downtown.

Apartment? Yeah.

Is that at the old hardware store? Wark's Place, yeah.

Middle level or top? Middle.

How many apartments are there? Four.

So like, two and two? No, there's 3 on the middle level and one big one on the top level. Someone lives there, but I've never met them. The other two on my level are vacant.

I'm going to note that you were out here. Okay, that's fine. Is there something going on tonight? I've already seen a couple of cars out walking tonight. No, we're just trying to be proactive. Fair enough.

Ok, have a good night. Yeah you too - take care.

And this second time was nothing official or anything like that. He didn't bother with the lights or ID or anything, and he was pretty nonchalant. I mean, you talk to me and it's pretty obvious that I'm not into wrongdoing. The oddest part to the second time is that after I resumed walking, another sheriff's car went by me and pulled up next to the first car in the road and they both turned on their lights and sat there for a few minutes, taking up the right half of the road. When I turned around at the circle and walked back, one of the cars went down LaPorte and I waved. I guess that's my normal cop gesture.

Still an odd incident...and the first one makes me a little uneasy.

GODDMANIT
I ruined a nice and mopey night by writing. I forget what that shit does to me sometimes.

Current Mood: optimistic

Disappointment and Renewal
It has been a strange few months, this whole "not-being-employed" thing. I find it strange that I set upon new purposes daily, without a major continuity in it. I can get a job any time I want by walking down the block and demanding of Jackie a job, but it's the principle. I did what a whole lot of people want to do - I quit. I don't find something to envy in the action of quitting at something, but it is a matter of jumping out and doing something different. I wasn't happy with where I was in my life. I didn't want to deliver pizzas forever.

And it slowly eats away at me...

But it's the dawning of the Age of Aquarius (well, technically not until 2012) and I'm reaching for the stars. I'm trying to start out a new life because I don't want to wonder what could have been. I have no regrets up to now and I don't intend to acquire any more.

Still, it remains an odd time. I'm looking to leave Valparaiso and I'm sort of looking forward to a new cityscape. I interviewed for a position in Houston, Texas - one that would be an absolute dream job. The first interview went well, and then I went into Chicago to take a "psychometric test" which was an entertaining day in and of itself. Maybe I'll write about that one later. My third interview went absolutely outstanding with a no-nonsense guy and I really want to work on this job. I'm just sort of stuck waiting for what's next. I really want to call up in the worst way. It's like Mike always said in those tough times when he was sitting in my apartment and needed a job, "You just want to grab people and scream in their faces, 'JUST HIRE ME ALREADY!'" I always kind of had my doubts, because I've never had trouble getting a job before, but yeah, it's like that.

Still, I know that phone is going to ring tomorrow and they are going to invite me down to Houston for a face-to-face interview. You can't not like me face to face.

I was the first one interviewed - I know this for a fact, so I have to play catch up with everyone else. That's kind of the worst part of it. I mean, you guys love me, right? Go out on a limb...listen to the things I say. You are not taking a chance with me, you are taking a step forward.

I'm too damn excited about it - I feel like it's mine to lose at this point. I will not lose it.

Alright, now that I got my job whining out of the way, I guess I'll step back to "the Deprivation Chamber".

I really should be going to bed now, but a few things have been bothering me lately besides the lack of progress in my life. Every once in a while, my life seems slightly unreal to me and I can't put my finger on what it is that causes it. I know that it's related to the computer screens which I sit in front of because I feel more of it when I'm around them. I think it's mostly lack of general moving around during the day. I'm not getting out to spend money, so I'm only going out to see friends or move my car or my own amusement. That doesn't happen more than a couple of times a day, really. I'd kind of like to be out hiking or exploring around, and doing something with my time.

Sorry, but the streets of Valpo don't do it for me. I know this place like the back of my hand. I even still think of the streets in terms of pizza delivery. I calculate the best possible routes based on average fastest times in my head. I was riding with Hale, coming back from hiking at the Dunes and he took some routes that were unheard of for me. Not that I didn't know them, but there's no way that I would travel them with a time limit.

Maybe that's the problem. Right now there is no time limit. I can do whatever I want and take however long I want and yet tomorrow, I could be called with a job offer in Houston. It's an exciting way to live some days, but generally a kinda boring one.

So let's talk about Hale. His mom died a couple months ago now. He is 25 years old. He and his mother were never close. She had some health problems for a long time and she was a little off her keel. The family still loved her, but Hale had had some rough patches with her over the years, and he moved out of the house to an apartment in downtown (becoming my neighbor) because of deteriorating home life.

About two weeks before this event, his parents had called him and asked him to stop by the family's house on the north side of town. When he got there, his parents talked about how responsible he had been and about his ideas of going down to Hocking and entering into the Forestry program. They were initially hesitant, but at this specific meeting, they conferred their blessing upon it and even gave him one of the family cars in his own name to help him out. After all, he had kept a job and was moving up and saving his money.

She died in her sleep.

Mike moved home from his apartment to help out with the home life stress. His father wasn't in the best condition and there was the will. He's been helping prepare the house to downgrade to a smaller place for the family as well. Hale got a bit of the inheritance and he's for sure financially set for going to college. He quit his job in town to dedicate his full time to helping out with the family until the fall.

I hiked with Mike at the Dunes today. It's been a little while since we got to hang out. I kind of miss having him as my neighbor. He's not the brightest person in the world, and I guess when I see him, I can see someone who was a little bit emotionally abused, but he's a really great person and I'm sad for his loss, but I'm happy for his life.

I don't know anyone else who lives downtown anymore and I'm pretty good at alienating people who live far away from me. I guess I keep to myself much these days - maybe even more than ever. Hopefully the Deprivation Chamber will not drive me too crazy.

One year ago, I had just moved into this apartment.

One year ago, I had just broken up with Shelly.

One year ago, I contemplated settling down here for good.

One year ago, Shawn filed for candidacy and I became his de facto campaign manager.

One year ago, Mike started working at Papa John's.

One year ago, I had no motivation to move up in the world.

I'm going to write more tomorrow. That's a fact.

If You Are Who You Think You Are
you're a superstar...

Just so I don't forget this, ever, I want to type "3 and a half". Jon, you know what this means but you have to pretend all is normal and that the one person that you ever truly sought revenge upon has not been out-dueled without my having to lift a finger.

I owe you one, Sue.

Second, although I always knew that a couple of people read this blog, one of the people scantly mentioned in a dream sequence searched her own name online and found my blog and read that and some more. It was rather embarrassing to be told this by someone who haven't seen for almost 6 years. Then again, as I walking, I realized that it was brought up almost immediately which means that it was either the only conversation piece or interesting enough to remember well. I hope the latter. Maybe in six more years, I'll find out.

Let's see, so who did I see besides family?

So far, Chelsea and Jacob, Cora and Bonnie, Sam, Sarah, Tom, Ben, Wilson, James, Shamus, Annie, Kena, Sue, Corinne, not to mention a ton of people that I just saw but didn't really talk to. Hey, I'm getting less awkward with everyone! I'm doing something right. Hmm...maybe I just used to do everything wrong.

Or maybe its just awkward having the self-realization that you don't understand most of the people you've been around most of your life.

Huh.

Well anyway... I would call this the year of manipulation. Not my own, of course, but the action on myself, friends, and family. I don't know what it is with people, but the more I realize it, people have been manipulating me for a long time. Great and small things alike. I don't know why me, but I'm going to take a stab at it.

I try to listen to what people say, and not being someone just to be a confessional, I try to act to change things. If you say you have a problem, I assume that it's because, um...you have a problem. I mean, why would you say otherwise?

See I've always been raised to be a trusting person. I trust you if you're reading this. Really, I do - even if you're someone who has taken this sort of manipulative action against me in the past (you know who you are and I'm not calling anyone out). But people have taken my trust and told me stories and made me worry in ways that were not so.

But I don't know what it is...I guess that I let myself be manipulated. I mean, some of these things that have "happened" go beyond fantastic to ridiculous. But why would someone lie to me? Why would they do that?

I know what it is. I figured it out. It's some sort of mental stipulation by people who are extremely unhealthy mentally. It's for the attention and for seeming like they live important and exciting lives. I couldn't tell you why, but it really is a mental stigma. I've seen it very extreme in ways that it hurts the person doing it. I mean, I think if you live a lie, you're always hurting yourself, but I mean, like pushed to the brink of suicide.

What sets this apart is that these people all really start to think that this is the life that they live. Nothing you say can change that for the person no matter how outrageous the lie is. And it's sad, because they'll cut you off if you don't acknowledge their world. You can't get close enough to help.

I had 3 run-ins with people this year where I realized that they were pathological liars. One had gone on for a long time with me and one a long time with my sister.

Still, all I want to do is help anyone. I mean, I don't think a person is what they say they are. I think their self is something that you can see in other ways. So what that they're crazy? A wise man once told me that you have to be a megalomaniac just figure out who you are. I think I know myself pretty well, so I'm typing myself as crazy, too.

I don't know. I forgive them all everytime, even though they'll never ever ever admit to wronging me. Yes, manipulation of a person is wrong for the record. Maybe someday I'll try to inventory it.

Ok, and last thing to update. I did have a dream that I remembered really well the other night, and of course it was extremely disturbing, so if you have trouble with graphic things, skip this paragraph.

Someone had stolen the family dogs and I tracked the woman down. She was in a old house and everything was covered with translucent plastic. She was holding a knife and standing over a corpse of a dead dog and she and her table were covered in blood. I found my dogs and stole her knife and threatened her life to escape.

Ok, so now that's all. That and I'm still single, but that's another big thing of writing. Journal post. Whatever you call it.

-Out-

Oh, I already typed that I was done, but I'm also trying to write down all my stories from home in a book format for friends. I'll keep this updated, maybe.

It's never as good as it seems.

It's never as bad as it seems.

It seems really good at this very moment, but let's take inventory. Roommate is crashed on the floor next to me. He was supposed to make me dinner but he didn't. Work was good and make some decent money but had to do extra work. Good Pandora radio station after typing in the band Bush to select music like them. Talked about the future earlier with mike and realized that I'm not out to do anything crazy like pick up and move. Talked the Jessica for the first time in a while and we had a good flight. I got nothing productive done today. I drove golf balls. My left elbow hurts. My road rash on my right leg is just about healed. I biked 50 miles on Monday. Talked to Chug-a-Doug on the phone for an hour about how he would control the world. I contacted the local volunteer radio station about doing an hour long show one day a week of me talking.

I feel really damn good. Even better than my inventory says I should be.

The Past and What It Is...
You never know what gets you inspired. I was just laying in bed and thinking and I’m back over at my computer. Ten minutes ago I was dead tired and bored of the computer and wanting to rejoin interesting thoughts on my way to slumber.

What I’ve been thinking about goes back to high school and far beyond that. It’s myself in the past and the people that I met in those days. Are they the people that I find on facebook today or have they somehow morphed from who they were?

It’s all rushing to me at once – all the random memories from those days and all the faces that I have the ability to contact ANYtime, but I generally don’t.

It’s things like playing power rangers in the field with my neighbors’ grandkids JD and Kelsey. It’s climbing the lilac tree with Natalie. It’s Yashana throwing up right next to me. It’s walking to school with Jimmy, Clayton, and Tracy. It’s seeing who can jump furthest off the swings with Jeff and Andy. It’s Jay’s sister Liz quizzing me on global countries. It’s my double compound fractured arm from landing on Jason. It‘s that little kid crush on Jessica. It’s Tony’s cherry bomb. It’s being the best hitter in the Little League along with my teammate Todd. It’s being the most popular kid in school and moving to a new town. It’s Kiel and Lori at church. It’s Athens. It’s JJ fighting Casey. It’s me as the best delegate at model UN. It’s the fort with Jonathan, JJ, John, Josh, and me. It’s Thomas and I playing with K’Nex cars. It’s playing king of the hill before we got the game banned at East. It’s Greg drinking a Ski before school everyday. It’s Ben and his dad and the Heckcat. It’s me and Alysa betraying Lydia and her stupid laundry civilization in MG. It’s running down the ridge and dodging trees as fast as we could. It’s the Pepsi can exploding on Sam. It’s JJ and I laying in the middle of East State Street on New Years. It’s Alan attacking Greg and me for playing Magic in 7th grade. It’s my rivalry with Victor turning to friendship. It’s Greg and I chasing a squirrel through the middle school. It’s Sulome getting the world salami at the spelling bee. It’s Jibrail vs Will on Will’s land. It’s Pubert and his girlfriends. It’s Mike and me eating pizza rolls and playing video games. It’s that huge sled jump! It’s victory over Brett at the geography bee. It’s me and Joey and Jon leaning back our chairs in homeroom. It’s getting rejected again and again to dances. It’s Mike and the door in health class. It’s Avery asking me how much weed I smoked. It’s me being a witch for English with Mike and Will. It’s Becca telling us how she polishes the trombone slides. It’s losing Will to drugs and Lee’s influence. It’s Ry getting suspended for a list of people he didn’t like. It’s burning the French book. It’s Natalie disowning her brother. It’s stealing Hilary’s cheap vodka with Eric and the gang. It’s taking Emily’s bicycle and riding off alone at band camp. It’s sitting with Amanda and watching her pull the fuzz out of her sweater. It’s Mike telling Erica how funny it would be if she tripped over her skirt and it ripped off. It’s hiking. It’s missing James while he went to vocational school. It’s Pam telling me that Sid needs a drink. It’s wearing a Viking helmet at Tom’s party and telling Eliot to go fuck himself. It’s taking Amanda to prom when I was so shy and she was so hot. It’s James and I playing sports all the time while his dad mowed the lawn. It’s winning the sportsmanship award at the regional tennis tournament (and beating someone, too!). It’s the PT with Lindsey leading the charge. It’s the black knight slaying the red dragon. It’s Misha and I making a show and setting off explosives. It’s talking advanced world politics at a table with half the kids who wouldn’t graduate high school. It’s Mike Corolla Rollin’. It’s Sid, JJ, John, Brenton, Sulome, Corinne, Eliot and Eric that one night in Jersey. It’s Evan talking about how he and Ray were the only white guys at BET’s Spring Bling. It’s Brenna asking me if I was staying the night at Sam’s party. It’s being a natural at ping-pong. It’s me and Sid dragging a tree with my tiny car through a state park. It’s the snowball fight with Tom, Ben and Carl. It’s party at Ry’s! It’s that insane physics project. It’s awesome prom with Katy and the first real kiss. It’s after prom party at Sid’s. It’s working with Wrienne and Pat. It’s Ali engaged to Nick. It’s the weeklong party at my house. It’s basketball with Black Rob. It’s VU.

I’m not even close to where I could go with this. I’ve stopped 5 years ago and glossed over so many of the things with little nothings. Some of the events are also very tiny things that I remembered and just stick out for god knows what reason. I’m not a terribly open person and so I hope that this one moment of spontaneity doesn’t make you think I’m any different. Maybe it helps you reflect on your own life and I like that.

If you remember any of this first hand then thanks for being there.

Goodnight,
Jonathan

Last Night's Dream
Alright, been awhile again, but to reinvigorate my interest, I'll write down what I can remember from my dream last night.

I have no idea the order of events but here is what goes.

I'm sitting in what is supposed to be Papa John's although it looks like like a diner/bar and its 2:30 in the morning. There are a ton of people there and a party is going on. I recognize most of them and it ranges from meteorologists I know to random odd people from high school.

Jackie, my manager is hosting the party, since she's the GM and she tells everyone that she dumped her boyfriend and is negotiating on the phone. She's decked out in gold chains and a sideways hat but otherwise looks normal. She then announced that she's marrying a Boston Celtic because they won the championship and she's getting $100,000 to do it.

The only other part I remember is this girl named Sarah Simpson from high school walks up to me and she has a pink cast on her left wrist (which looks bent out of shape). She tells me that I haven't signed it yet and I need to. I say alright and I grab a pen and take her wrist and look at all the writing already on it (its not very full, but it wasn't a big cast to begin with). For some reason (which I've been trying my damndest to remember all day) she takes off her shirt and has me sign her left breast (no bra) instead. I felt pretty good about myself at this point and asked if I could sign anywhere else and she says that Kena has already signed her thigh, and then she pulls down her gray sweats and shows me her signature down the front of her left thigh next to her black thong. Except the signature is my name scribbled in big block letters upside down and with an H in Jonathan. She pulls back up her sweats and I'm a bit dazed. I see Kena to the side who just gives me a big smile. Then I danced with Sarah.

There was a whole lot more to this dream but this is all I can remember. Of my dreams lately, most have been about storm chasing (9 out of the first 10 nights since I got back). My first dream about stormchasing recently was the night before we saw the couple tornadoes in Kansas this year and then got stuck in Pratt. I had actually dreamed that we had awoken that morning in Hays and looked out the window to see a tornado and since the time had just flipped to the next day on the storm reports (7am) we got the first tornado of the day.

Man, you never know where your brain gets some of this stuff from the details it remembers (7am being the time of new storm reports) to the people coming out of nowhere (Sarah Simpson and Kena Crist?!?).

Dreaming kicks ass though - especially when its fun and sexy like that. I felt charged and ready today. All for naught, but still.

Oh yeah, that reminds me...There was a girl I met at Deep River County Park (not the waterpark) babysitting her nieces and nephew by the river and her dog was playing with the kids, too. She looked maybe a little younger than me. Very good looking and we talked for about 10 minutes as I waited for my neighbor, Mike Hale, to cross the river (I took off my shoes and waded it). Her name was Kelly and her dog (pitbull, but sooooooo friendly) was Sagan. I realized after I left her that I should have gotten her number or something. I never even think of that stuff. Oh well - still a cool time and maybe I am on these days. Who knows?

-Out-

Identity Fraud
I'm really starting to lose faith in the system.

I guess that I feel this way any time that I have to deal with the BMV or the court system or the police system. It's the entire case of identity that really bugs me most. Sure I loath paperwork and bureaucrats, but this goes to the next plane. I don't need a piece of paper or a photo ID to exist and yet the government branches will let me do nothing without one. Doesn't that scare you? It does me!

Everything you could possibly want to do depends on two things, your birth certificate and your social security card. Without one, you cannot receive the other. If at any time you lose both, I'm just not sure what you would do. I don't think I want to ask. I'm sure that there is some ream of paperwork that will need to be done to get them.

You need them to obtain a passport. You need them to obtain a state ID card. You need them to obtain a drivers license. You need that state ID card or license to vote these days. You need them to get a job. You need them when questioned by an officer if you don't want to be detained for questioning. You need that social security number to hook up to public utilities. You need that ID to purchase things like alcohol or tobacco or numerous other products in many stores around the country.

Why do you need to ID me? I stand before you as proof that I exist and have a right to live, do I not? I have the right to do this and more without my ID and yet I am insisted upon providing it.

It is not a privilege to work. It is not a privilege to obtain fee-based utility service. It is not a privilege to purchase products that may inflict harm upon myself. It is not a privilege to vote!

Or wait, maybe I have the right to vote, but you don't have to count it.

I think that I could still be reinvigorated into believing that the government isn't stepping on my rights, but it looks more and more grim. I still believe a little bit, but I'm extremely unhappy. When I do not believe at all, I will disappear underground without ID and without a life, according to the governments of the United States of America and the State of Indiana.

I don't want to come to that, but I will not be subject to the phrase, "May I please see your ID."

I will fight it.

I Would Like to Propose a Post
yeah, that sounds like a bold idea in a time when I don't post much currently about myself.

Let's do the basics:
Still alive
Still single
Still without children
Still without job better than pizza delivery
Still in Valpo
Still working with people to get them elected
Still doing what I can to avoid buying clothes
Still reluctant to see my family too much

Alright, now with that out of the way...what's on my mind?

The first thing on my mind is something that has been troubling me. This wasn't found on self-examination, but rather what someone said about someone else. However, it reflected on me because I know that I have certain things in common with this person. So back to the me.

I realized that I'm seen as unreliable except when I'm physically present.

I promise bigger and better things all the time, but without delivery. I get distracted. I get discouraged. I'm not focused. I find something better. If it involves the telephone then I downright don't want to do it.

Sometimes I can do big things, but fail at small things. Need to crash for a few months because you've been burned out and living in your car 2,000 miles from home? No problem. But you want me to buy bread? Whoops, forgot. I'll do it tomorrow. No wonder I bewilder people. No wonder that they are surprised when I actually do the little things. Oh, that reminds me - I need to pay some bills tomorrow because I put them off today so that I could make time for making and delivering press releases. Oh, and I need more sign stands.

I still have all my big plans in here (points to his head), but shit, I guess I should start with the little things. I've been trying. The dishes have been getting done regularly. The carpet is clean. I did go out and buy bread today, actually. I've been practicing the keyboard at least every other day for about a half-hour per crack. I'm doing alright, but I should be doing better. That reminds me - I need to clean the interior of my car.

Oh, and I started taking up bicycling again. Just 10 miles here and 10 miles there. It feels good. That reminds me - I need to buy some WD-40 because I can't find mine.

The little things are boring. Big things are fun and exciting. It IS fun to put together press releases. It IS fun to host lunches for people to talk liberty politics. It is fun to draw new inventions in notebooks. Bills = boring. Cleaning car = satisfying in the end, but boring in practice. Buying stuff = boring.

Yeah, so I'm unreliable and I realized it with some help of someone who probably didn't realize that I took some criticism of someone who I probably can't be compared with to my heart. Funny how that works. Oh, that reminds me - I need to call home and ask when exactly are the days for Natalie's graduation. Then I should figure out how to get there.

Anyway, that aside...

It's been interesting spending a lot of time with Mike here at the house. I mean, there are other things we do, but there is generally chilling for an hour or so in the afternoon and a few hours at night. If we don't get away from each other (and work) for a while, tempers can flare, but I'm amazed at how well we get along in close quarters. I guess it was the same way with Jeremy (without that FUCKING ALARM THAT WOKE PEOPLE UP DOWN THE HALLWAY BUT DIDN'T WAKE UP THE GUY WHOSE HEAD WAS 1' AWAY!). Whew, old rage.

You've got to be able to just chill with someone to have any chance at getting along in the long run. And chill alot. Of course you get to know the others' same old boring stories, but I love a good telling of Mike vs. the cow or Mike swimming the hocking or Mike getting fired. Maybe its all personality.

Why doesn't Mike come in a chick version. Just someone I could hang out with who's a chick.

Oh tell me this isn't a lonely streak.

It is.

I guess its probably not longing. It's more like hope for tomorrow? Making sense? No? Ok, I continue.

Romantic stuff seems to be pissing me off lately. It just seems like a building up of something that's a friendship with sexual attraction and perhaps a desire for long-term mating. That seems to be a transparent way of how the dating game works. Get to know someone and have some sexual attraction. You decide that you can hang out with this person and they're cool. You admit that you're sexually attracted to the other person and then it gets either awkward or hot. If you can chill with them enough and the sexual stuff seems to work alright, maybe you settle with this cool cat.

This is not the sex game. The sex game involves pickup lines at a bar and buying her something and being overcome with sexual desire and taking her home and tying her up in the basement with all your devices until the next morning at which point she leaves and you both say that you'll call, but you won't because all you wanted was sex and not to know a person. Or so I'm told.

Do I feel weird things when I'm attracted to a girl: yep!
Do I want to sweep her off her feet and make her dreams come true: yep!
Do I always end up being myself: yep!

And that's as it should be. Everything is right in the world and still none of us is the romantic superstud or superstudette that we want to be. So fuck that. I'm being myself from now on and not enduring visions of romantic grandeur. I'm sure that I'll still be awkward and odd, but that's kind of who I am and like to be. Let's make friends that I'm sexually attracted to! Woo!

Man, rereading this, it seems really stupid. I didn't quite express how I wanted it to go. It looks like a common Jonnie Loveless sense, but I tell you that it was more of a breakthrough than that. It's shaking off the romantic crap and cutting straight to the point. Of course that will never fly in socially accepted circles. Fortunately, I'm not in any.

Wait - that reminds me...

Too much to say and not enough time to say it. I have a new place which is great and downtown. I've been working a lot and I've become a political adviser/writer of sorts (all for free, but its a fun hobby).

But what I really wanted to say that Stephanie is now a National Merit Scholarship Finalist with her essay that we worked on together. YEAH, Go Steph!

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